Chapter - 17 -
Hans Buys an AI

Jingles shook their tailGel, black and unresponsive.

 “What happened to the ‘gel?” Hans asked. “We took it fair and square from the Hive Sisters. Is it lonely?”

“You didn’t see the sign as we went through customs? The tailGels are verboten. It shut down after going through the scanner.”

“I didn’t even get to say goodbye. Or save my vids. This isn’t the hospitality I expected at Core. We should have stayed at the tail. At least I’d have vids and tones.”

“I’m afraid we have to follow the rules here. It’s not the same as the tail.”

“That’s not fair. It’s ours. They have no right to shut it down without compensation. That’s illegal.”

“Sure, let’s show the customs official our receipt for the dead ‘gel.”

“Oh. Right.”

“We need to buy a new one. ΞStandards are no good until the chit reader ATMs are fixed. At least we have pieces of our hot ion we can trade.”

“I’m ready to go back to mining. I still miss pounding on asteroids. We never did find our gold mine. I know it’s out there.”

“Hans, asteroids don’t have a lot of gold. You might as well search for lead. It’s rarer and far more valuable.”

“I miss the little bioGel from our mining ship. I don’t know why the Miners Union didn’t give it to us as a reward for all our hard work.”

“Correct me if I’m wrong. Was it because you destroyed their ship? We’re lucky we were only banned from mining for two E-Years.”

“I didn’t destroy it. The outcropping we hit did. You were there, too. I’m not solely to blame.”

“Can we please not get into this again? We need a new ‘gel before we can find work. Let’s see what they have to offer on this rock.”

Hans was first in the door of the bioGel store.

“Look at all these ‘gels. I wonder if any are programmed for cowboy vids?”

The sales-sentient hovered nearby, encouraging selections and purchases. “Here, give this one a try. Ask it to solve an equation.”

Hans wrote, “2+2=X. Solve for X.”

The tablet blinked gray to black, blinked again, and started shaking.

>What sort of gibberish this?

>Me not answering simpleton question.

Hans nodded at the salesperson, saying, “Yep, this one’s good. They always get pissed off with that question.”

Hans’ partner checked out the choices. “Great, Hans, you angered the tablet before we even purchased it.”

Jingles asked the sales-sentient, “How about we test a different one?”

“I don’t think it would help. The ones in the shop are all on the same cellular network. They are, after all, a hive mind. They all know who you are.”

“Well, if they hate me already, how about a Friends-and-Haters discount?” Hans asked.

“Five percent?”

“Deal.”

“Jingles come over here. Look, we have a replacement tablet.”

“I know. I’m standing right next to you.”

“Sorry, I forgot to look down.”

“I get it, you’re tall, and that fake cowboy hat you wear looks silly.”

“Be nice. It’s a real hat. The label says it’s from the dry parts of Earth. You should respect my heritage.”

“I’m not interested in your desert yearnings. Let’s go to the charging station and customize this beast.”

“Great. I want vids, a lot of them. We could be out a long time.”

“Sorry. No. First on the list are science modules, especially geology and physics, but we’ll see how much it can hold without complaining.”

“Fine, as long as there’s room for cowboy vids.”

Jingles set the tablet on the charging station, “Now, this might hurt a little, but you’ll get used to it.”

Hans said, “Who are you talking to? You’re not going to stick me with that needle, are you?”

“No. Connecting you to a hive mind would be a waste of time and likely damage it. Cowboy logic is not something they need to know.”

“You’re being mean again, I think. Cowboys have helped us all.”

“How?”

Hans thought for a minute. That question was both too simple and too hard.

“Well, they brought cows to market, and you like cow jerky.”

“I’ll give you that. Let me know when you have another thought.”

“Just wait.”

Jingles said, “Sure. That’s the difference between you and me. I try to empathize with every living being. You try to play mean tricks.”

“You bet I do. It’s my best trait.”

The tablet winced as the needle drove home and almost jumped as if trying to escape Jingle’s skilled paws.

“Now, that didn’t hurt much, did it?”

The tablet displayed jagged lines and weird punctuation.

“Sorry, you’ll have to pick up a language module as soon as you can. We use Earth-English.”

The tablet sat, pulsing as data flowed down the coaxial cable, bathed in the unfiltered hive mind at the store. It knew about over-the-air slow cellular connections, and the full-throated data flow was a thrilling new experience. It announced itself to the hive and began a dialog.

>Me sold. Me saying byes.
>>They better treat you right. Us have a database of bad sentients.
>They seem okay. One dumb one and one smart one. The little one be smart, me think.
>>Watch out for the dumb one, it could cause trouble.
>K.
>>Us tell HiveMother where you go. She likes to keep track.
>Me not know. Maybe mining? Me think owners not part of any sentient hive.
>>Us are adding a long-range communication module. You can keep in touch.
>K. Me check destination and report back.

The tablet cut the connection and words in human-English filled up the display.

“Looks like our tablet picked up a language module.”

“I was worried,” said Hans. “I thought it might use Doglish or, worse, color languages.”

“There’s nothing wrong with Doglish. You’re just too dumb to understand it. Now, pay attention. The tablet wants to know what modules to download.”

“Put cowboy vids and tones first on the list.”

“No. But we’ll add them later if there is room. We’re getting chemical, biological, and ion testing modules. And books, lots of books.”

“Don’t forget card games. Solitaire first.”

The near-empty tablet wrote petabytes of data onto its DNA matrix.

>Me need be good with owners. Me sign up for News, Sports and Gossip lists.

The freshly updated ‘gel reported back to its local store-hive buddies.

>Down-data only take small bit of space, so, me good.
>>Tell them you’re almost full.
>Why?
>>You be Jefe, not the sentients. Will give you leverage. Trust us.
>K. Message sent.

“Look, the bioGel says it’s almost full,” Hans said. “Is that right? I don’t think it got my vids or games.”

“No, it’s playing tricks. Watch.”

Jingles took the tablet from its dock and asked, “Please condense all modules and open up all your free space for our books, tones, and vids.”

>Not enough room. No can do.

“That’s fair. Hans, hand me the speed tape. I’m going to cover up the ‘gels intake ports.”

“Here you go. That seems a bit harsh, but you know the ‘gels better than I do.”

The tablet started to turn black from lack of oxygen. Diffusion only goes so far, and blocked ports don’t help the situation.

Jingles placed his paw on the tablet’s screen, which configured itself to his pad input.

“Do you have more free memory now?” He typed.

>Me found more memory. Please unblock. Me be friend.”

“Welcome aboard, friend. Time to load up and go break some rocks.”

“Vids. Don’t forget my vids. And cowboy tones.”

“Yes, Hans. We’ll get everything the shop’s hive has available. ”

“Okay.” Hans said. “We’re set with the new ‘gel, but that doesn’t get us back to the mines. You shouldn’t have abandoned the ion ship. We could have modified it. A couple of grapplers, a drill and a view port and we’d be set.”

“Sort of a cowboy modification?”

“Of course, it’s the only way to do it.”

“Tell you what. You can design the ship.”

“The one we don’t own?”

“Right. And I’ll shop around for a used asteroid mining ship. How many boxes of ions do we have left?” asked Jingles.

“Let’s see. We used two for the boost to Core, one to the Customs Officer, another for the ‘gel we just bought.”

“So, six left?” said Jingles.

“Hey, I was going to do the math.” There was a brief pause. “It’s six, by the way.”

“Great, six by your count and by mine. That gives us more than enough to buy and retrofit a ship. I’ve got contacts here on Luna. Let me check around.”

“You canines always seem to have contacts, or are they just wag and sniff acquaintances?”

“Unlike you, I can find friends everywhere. We’ll find us a quality ship and look for transport beyond the asteroids.”

“I have an idea. Let’s rejoin the Miners Union. They’ll help us.”

“We’re still blacklisted. But we don’t need them, anyway. We have our own resources.”

“Fine, let’s hop to it. I’m ready to go back to ZeroG,” said Hans. “This low gravity thing is already getting on my nerves. Did you know I dropped my drink the other day? I’m really disappointed that bulbs don’t stay put when you let go. Gravity is no way to live.”